


Memory is not what the heart desires

by Mozzarella



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Quests, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-02-24
Packaged: 2018-01-13 10:02:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1222126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mozzarella/pseuds/Mozzarella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, dwarf heaven is just on the other side of the mountains and Legolas goes on a quest. </p><p>--</p><p>Legolas has loved Gimli since the War of the Ring, but confesses not until after he is stone once more in his great tomb. </p><p>But Gimli bade him live, not languish in grief or fade. So he lives. </p><p>Now he journeys to Valmar, the dwelling place of the Valar, to gain entrance into Mahal's halls, to confess to Gimli his love and to be with him until the last war and beyond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Live

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading the Silmarillion and  
> well
> 
> As with the book, here is a fanfic with too many unfamiliar names, which will be explained in footnotes at the end. Have fun!
> 
> The title is a quote by Gimli: _Memory is not what the heart desires. That is only a mirror, be it clear as Kheled-zaram. Or so says the heart of Gimli the Dwarf. Elves may see things otherwise. Indeed I have heard that for them memory is more like to the waking world than to a dream. Not so for Dwarves."_
> 
> This is intended to explain why Legolas goes to Valmar. Because for elves, memories are clear as day. But Legolas realizes that even if his memories of Gimli are perfect, they pale in comparison to having him right by his side. So he seeks him out.

On his deathbed (and how cruel, to bring death back into Valinor), Gimli bade Legolas neither to mourn him nor fade for his grief, bade him to live in joy among his kin, to live as he had always when they were together--with the same warrior's vigour. 

Legolas promised him he would, and keep that promise he did. 

So stood he now, Legolas son of Thranduil, at Calacirya, the only path between the mountains that opened to Valmar--where the Valar themselves dwelt. 

He lived indeed--traveling as he had once traveled with his beloved, his companion, to the far reaches of Middle Earth. But no longer did they tarry in Endor, for now that land belonged to Men, and when they arrived in Aman Gimli was no longer fit for travel, too old and tired to move. 

For many days he seemed to gain back his heartiness, becoming almost hale, spirited in the Blessed Realm. But in the end, the Undying Lands could not stave off the death of beloved companions. Still, Bilbo Baggins perished (long before they'd ever sailed), and Frodo Baggins, though he lived long, followed eventually, Sam following soon after in his time. Whether they were all welcomed in the Halls of Mandos, or wherever the Men would dwell thereafter, if in the Valar's presence or somewhere else entirely, none of the Eldar knew. 

But for dwarves, it was different. A dwarf's fate and afterlife was watched over and ruled by their Mahal, the Vala Aulë, who was said to keep them in his halls until the end of time. This was what Gimli and his kin believed, and this was what Legolas put his faith in now, crossing into the Noldorin kingdom of Tirion upon the hill of Túna and hoping for welcome. 

Well-met was he, and before the great Noldorin king, Finarfin, he bowed. 

"You are welcome in our halls, Legolas Thranduilion. A hero of Endor, and honoured by the Valar, we would grant thee whatever thy need," said the king, infinitely older than Legolas, and yet younger-seeming, by virtue of his years in the nigh untouched Blessed Realm. 

"I thank thee, o king, though I cannot tarry. I wish simply to pass into Valmar, to ask for passage into their halls, if they be willing to grant me that," Legolas replied. 

Finarfin was troubled by his words, and if by Thranduil's old lessons Legolas saw such trouble on his brow, he spoke nothing of it. 

"The Valar will welcome you as a guest, surely, but into their halls? Those are for the dead, my friend, and for the  _fëar_ of the Eldar who have passed from their  _hröar_ in grief or to pass from the labour of life. Wherefore do you seek such a thing?" 

Legolas bowed his head. 

"My most beloved one resides in those halls. I wish to see him," he answered honestly. "I wish to be with him, forever, for as long as time still runs and long thereafter." 

"If you are grieved... surely if you chose, you could follow your beloved to the Halls of Mandos, where his  _fëa_ must dwell? Or if your beloved has lived a good and honest life, he may return to you in less than a century's time, with a new form as the Valar would gift him," said Finarfin, for though he was discomfited by talk of passing on as Eldar might, by choice in grief most of all, he owed it to his guest and to the forgiving and beloved Valar that he know the reasoning behind one elf's strange quest. 

"My beloved dwells not in the Halls of Mandos," said Legolas, and he smiled, the edges of his mouth tinged with expectant bitterness. "But in the halls of Aulë, set apart for his children." 

Finarfin was silent, and Legolas wondered if he had not heard tell of the only dwarf to ever sail to Valinor and live among the Eldar in Eldamar, who was honoured in death as he was in life. 

He would not have heard tell that this was Legolas' beloved, for the coward that he was, the Thranduilion had never spoken of his love until it was too late, until Legolas was bent over his beloved's tomb and weeping. 

This was his quest now, to find Gimli in the halls where dwarves dwelt, to speak to him the words of love he had long-neglected in life, and why should he be ashamed now that all in Aman would know of it? 

"I see," was all Finarfin could say, and after a time of silent contemplation (where Legolas was given food and rest), he summoned the Thranduilion once more and said, "I will provide to you a guide, and set you thus on the road to Valmar. But heed my words and do not press on, do not fight or rage, if they refuse you. They are wise beyond your years or even mine, and I have seen what comes of those who question it." 

The name of Fëanor remained unspoken, though Legolas knew the tale. He bowed humbly. "I would not question their wisdom, for it is their wisdom that allowed me to bring my beloved to Aman in the first place, though no dwarf has ever come here by the straight path over the sea before. I would only languish, then, for I cannot live so long as I am not with him." 

"Then go, with my blessing and counsel, and I pray you find what you are looking for," said the king, and Legolas was off again, traveling to the great halls where the Valar, the greatest of beings that had ever dwelt in Arda, lived. 

 


	2. Entreat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas in Valmar, and his audience with Aulë.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Instead of 2 chapters, it's now 3! :)

Legolas rode in wonder, though he lacked the sturdy weight he remembered so well against his back, his eyes wandering as they entered the great dwelling place of the Valar. There were other elves there, dressed in the finest of clothes, laughing and smiling as they sang, they crafted, and the bells rang clear across the courtyard, giving Legolas more peace than he had ever felt in his lifetime. 

But this peace was a mere illusion, a mirror, no matter how clear the image. It was not this peace he wished for, though it soothed him. 

All he wished for was Gimli, his star, and he would not wander thus in joy without his dwarf returned to him.

"It is good to see you, my old friend," greeted one of the many elves in the courtyard--splendid and beautiful, clad in silvers and grays, smiling serenely at him with a familiar twinkle in his eyes. 

"I... You are familiar to me," Legolas said uncertainly, dismounting from his fine steed. 

"I should hope so. This form, it is for the sake of those who I walk with, though in the long years we have known one another, my form was much less elvish, and much more mannish." 

The smile cracked right across his face, and Legolas embraced the elf (though not an elf at all!) in front of him. 

"It is good to see you, Mithrandir," he said, tears stinging at his eyes. "Gandalf," he murmured, holding tight. "There are many I miss, though I hold them clear in my mind and my heart, and your presence gladdens me more than any memory, my friend." 

"And you. Last I saw of you was at the funeral," said Mithrandir. "You did not recognize me then. But then, you seemed not to recognize anyone. I was afraid you would pass from your grief, but you held strong, and strong you were when I left you. Strong now you stand in front of me, though I must ask why you stand here at all." 

"I seek an audience with the lord maker, Aulë," said Legolas, the fear and excitement thrumming in his veins. "I wish to see Gimli." 

Mithrandir frowned. "This is not an easy task you have set upon yourself. Patient the Vala Aulë may be, but there are laws that even I am not party to. It may not be so easy. Your friendship was strong, and you have lasted through many ills, but in death I find the best thing one can do in these circumstances is move on." 

Legolas smiled, bitterly. "I cannot, my friend. I cannot." 

"Legolas..."

"I loved him. I love him still. And he is dead," Legolas said. "And he does not know. I cannot wait until the world is made anew to tell him. I cannot wait. I promised to live for him so I cannot die, and even if I do I cannot follow him. My  _fëa_ calls for him, I am not whole without him. I cannot live without him, but I must live, Gandalf, I must." 

"Ai!" said Mithrandir. "Save me from the stubbornness of dwarves, then!" 

Legolas faltered. "You know I am no dwarf," he said, confused. 

"And still you have the same stubbornness, you have borne his for so long you have learned it upon yourself. Yes, I see that you are not parted, even in death, for so much of him lives within you already," said Mithrandir, shaking his head. "Impossible task it may be, but you and your dwarf have proven all too often that impossibility holds no power over you. Come then. I shall entreat the lord maker's audience, and we shall see what can be done." 

Legolas clutched his hand, and Mithrandir smiled. "Thank you, my friend," said Legolas, and in the familiar way he had grown so fond of, the elvish-formed Maiar grumbled and tossed his head (fine head as it was now) and they strode to the bronzed doors to seek out the Valar who dwelt within. 

\--

In time, they came upon Aulë's mansions, great halls within great halls, for the Valmar was not as mortal strongholds, and though it resided in one place, its vastness was that of worlds. The mansions were on the edge of the fields, in the open air, and it brought to Legolas all too clearly the life that came with the creation that the Vala Aulë so loved. They passed a pool of pure blue, surrounded by trees, and Legolas wondered if he should see Yavanna as he would soon come to see Aulë in his glory. 

"The life of trees, growing at the edge of the greatest forge in Aman," said Legolas wistfully. "We lived like this, in Eldamar. It was a hut, and we were by the forest, near a bubbling brook that led out to the sea. He was oft too tired to forge, though some days he found strength and the fires would be lit and smoke would come from that little hut, smoke that the trees drank from the air--for it was a hearty forge fire, not a choking blaze as there was in Endor." 

"You are well-matched, then," Mithrandir remarked, and the truth of his words struck Legolas to the core.

There was a door, half open, at the mansions. Inside was dark, glowing with the light of a forge and webs of color dancing across the ceiling. 

Mithrandir stood there and bade Legolas enter, though he himself did not follow. "Speak true, for Aulë is patient and kind. He is as fond of elves as he is of dwarves, if not as his own children, so you need not fear." 

Still, Legolas' heart beat hard and fast in his chest, and he entered the dark hall. It was silent, save for the crash of great hammer on metal, and as Legolas came closer he realized that he seemed to tower over this great Vala, and when Aulë turned to him for the first time, his great beard catching the glow of the forge fires that Legolas realized why. 

There before him, Aulë stood as a dwarf, as one of his own children, and that more than anything comforted Legolas greatly. 

"I welcome thee, Legolas Thranduilion, Green Leaf of the wood. What is thy purpose in my halls? Would you learn the craft of me? You are not Noldorin, and they are often struck with the need to create as their relatives are not, though your time with one of my children must have rubbed off somewhere." He chuckled, and his laughter was like the soft boom of distant thunder, comforting in itself. 

"I ask not to learn the craft, o lord, though I am in awe of it and know of its wonders," said Legolas. "I... I ask for something much greater than that, and fear your wrath in my presumption." 

"My wrath? Goodness, child of Illuvatar, one would think you ask for the world to be forged again ahead of its time. Speak to me plainly, and I shall do whatever it is in my power to ease thy sorrows, so heavily as they weigh on thy shoulders."  Great dwarven hands took his in the comfort of a father, and Legolas' tears fell though he looked on, summoning the words to his lips. 

"I wish to enter your halls," said Legolas, "and see my beloved." 

Aulë tilted his head. He did not look as Gimli did, though the great beard and hardy form and thoughtful eyes were familiar enough for Legolas' heart to ache. 

"The Eldar cannot enter into my halls, child," said the Vala kindly, sadly. "It was not intended in the making for you, as Mandos has already set aside a place for your kind. You would be torn asunder if you pass through the gate, your fëa torn from your hröa in the attempt. It cannot be done." 

"Might I see him?" asked Legolas, his voice shaking. "At the gates? Though I may not enter, might I catch a glimpse of him from afar?" 

Aulë ran a hand through his beard thoughtfully, and, making some silent decision, led Legolas to the forge, where they stepped into the fires unharmed. 

In the darkness, Legolas saw before him a gate, and through the gate he saw a great city--Mahal's halls, as he had built them for his children, greater than any kingdom that was ever built in Endor. 

"Call out his name," said the Vala, and Legolas did. 

Many times he did this, and though his voice carried into the city, no dwarf with blazing red hair came out to greet him. It struck Legolas that Gimli might be happy here--that he might be hale again, merry with his kinsmen, and that his presence would only bring him grief. For what was their love now but a world that never was, a world destroyed by a coward's inaction? 

Legolas held his hand out and as his fingers passed the gate, he saw his bright spirit (like starlight set free from a flesh cage) trying to drift out from them, and he pulled his hand back (there was pain, but there was too much pain in his heart for pains of his body to hold precedence). 

He truly could not go, and Gimli could not come. 

He was about to turn and leave, when Aulë shook his head and said, "He will not come now but by the call of his true name. It is a name that dwarves give to no one but those whom they loved best in this world," said Aulë. "The name I gave to them in their births. I am sorry, I--"

And Legolas called--this time, with Gimli's true name. 

For on his death bed, the dwarf called him near, and with his bidding, he whispered a word in Legolas' ear, his last breath rattling warm against the tip. 

Legolas' memory was perfect, and though he knew not then what the word meant (and he had had no time to seek out one who knew Khuzdul), he knew it was important. 

Aulë smiled, and was gone from his side in an instant. 

Legolas waited at the gates, sat there in silence, and in time his presence was felt, and the dwarves who passed gathered round, pointing and muttering about the strange elf that tarried at Mahal's halls. 

Their murmurs were curious, some hostile, but Legolas did not care for their words. He waited, and would wait until the end of time if need be, if this was as close to his beloved as he could come. 

"Legolas?" 

Legolas looked up. 

 


	3. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forever they shall be together, and forever shall they be apart.

"Gimli," Legolas whispered, smiling up at his dwarf for the first time, gasping in wonder at what he saw.

Red in his hair, his eyes wide in alarm, Gimli stood strong as Legolas had first known him--hale, hearty, a dwarf in his prime.  
He was beautiful, and Legolas could not keep the tears back any longer.

"You daft elf. Was the company of your own kin truly so uninteresting that you sought me out in Mahal's own halls? How many worlds did you have to cross to come here?" Gimli said softly.

Legolas laughed for the first time since the funeral, tossing his golden head back and letting the tears fall from his cheeks.

"Just a mountain," said Legolas. "It was not much of a journey, in truth, but it felt so much longer without you at my back or at my side."

Gimli looked down sorrowfully. " I asked you to live," he said.

"Without the life of me, I cannot," said Legolas, "for he has passed somewhere I cannot follow."

"I... you are truly a stubborn elf," Gimli grumbled. "And a dramatic one at that. For what is your life but your own? Was it not your elvish soul that yearned for this place?"

"Aye, Valinor has soothed me in ways that Endor would have not. But still, my heart calls for the one I cannot live without, and so I came to speak to him of what my heart says, for I know that even in all our years together he still does not understand much of what I say."

"That is because you speak too much, and your words are too flowery. Speak plainly to me," said Gimli, his voice quavering.

Legolas knelt, so that his eyes were at level with Gimli's, and through tears and a great smile, he said, "I love you, Gimli son of Gloin, as the moon loves the sun. I love you with all of myself, as I will never love another. And so afeared was I that it would sunder us, I did not speak of my love until death itself brought to me that I was a fool to wait for forever. You bade me live, and live I do, if only to stay here by your side forever."

Gimli was silent, standing there with his hands folded before him, a low rumble of thought coming from beneath his beard.

"You called me by name, and I answered."

"I spoke to your father--the father of all your kin--and he granted me the greatest of kindnesses. And I remembered the name you spoke to me on my deathbed, and thank all the Valar that you came," said Legolas, rife with uncertainty. "And if... if you wish me to leave... I shall not linger. You deserve peace. Even if it means I must leave you be, I will do everything in my power to--"

"You are a fool!" Gimli said, his voice like thunder in the dark. "An utter fool! To give your heart to me? Me? And yet, we are both fools in that regard."

"What?"

"My true name is known to no one," said Gimli quietly. "Not even my own father. Mahal whispered it to my mother when she first slept with me at her teat, and she whispered it to me and I have never forgotten it, though by now even she has already. You, with your clear elven memory, I knew you would keep it with you forever. I knew that. And I thought it would be a fine consolation for my heart, which I thought I could not ask you to keep. Ai, Legolas, how wrong I was!"

Gimli reached out then, and Legolas feared that what had happened to him would happen to his dwarf.  
It did not.

But in the darkness outside the gate, Gimli's outstretched arms seemed less, somehow, like wisps forming the idea of a dwarf, but not the form, and when Gimli's hands meant to touch Legolas' face, Legolas felt nothing.

"So then," Gimli said lowly, his voice shaking with despair. "Finally, after so many years, I find strength in my hands once more, and yet by some great cruelty, I cannot touch you with them any longer."

Legolas shook his head, looking down at the insubstantial hand and leaning toward it, as if it were truly there to touch, and Gimli gestured in a chill caress that was like an ill wind against Legolas' cheek. Still, though all he could feel was the cold of death, his heart warmed more than it had in years.

For here was Gimli! Here was his beloved, and here he was, beloved also to the dwarf, and here they stood together and apart. This, Legolas could endure. In this, he felt hope.  
  
"Come," said Legolas. "Come with me."

"I cannot. I cannot leave these halls. I cannot leave the mansions of _Aulë_ , lest my spirit be unmade," said Gimli.

"I do not mean to leave this place without you," said Legolas softly. "So I shall not."

"Don't..."

"Never shall I be parted from you again. _Guren min gaim lín, meleth e-guilen._ If I must spend all my days here, I would rather spend them by your side, in the dark, than in the light alone."

"Then you are a greater fool than I had ever imagined. That I should come to love such an elf! Ah, Mahal laughs."

"I think he would," Legolas laughed in turn, and deeply he sighed. He knew he should be saddened, for though he stood by his love, he could not touch him, and might never do so again. And yet here they laughed, and here they stood together, and Gimli's words and voice, strong as a striking hammer, were as present as his touch was not. Ah, but Legolas was too happy to be sad.

"Come then," said Gimli, as he crossed the gate into the darkness to stand beside Legolas without the division. 

"What do you--"

"Do Mahal's halls not encompass this place? Does he not reside in not one room alone, but in many? If we are to be together, surely you would not languish in the dark forever."

"I--"

"Aye, you indeed. Come on," said Gimli with exasperated fondness, and he reached out for Legolas' hand before hesitating, realizing that he could not touch him anyway. It was so strange that that was their new truth, and Legolas leaned over to Gimli to ghost a kiss against the insubstantial lips. The cold, he found, was better than nothing, for he knew in his heart that though they did not touch as they once did, Gimli felt the fire in his chest as he did, all the same, at the gesture.

They strode out from whence Legolas came, and on they walked, Gimli marveling at the mansions he had never seen before now, until they found the front steps.

"It is beautiful," he said, looking out at the wood.

"More so now with you at my side."

"We will live like this, until the end of time. Until the last battle. We will live as wraiths to each other, nothing more than a fraction of ourselves."

"Still," said Legolas warmly. "I would rather have your cold embrace, than the cold memory of your passing. I would rather have you here with me, than far away, where I cannot follow. For in all this, we love one another, and that is a balm to whatever little pains we must endure to be together."

Gimli smiled, and held Legolas' hand, as best he could.

And they stood there, for a very long time, reflecting the figures of the Valar who stood at the bronze doors of their home, silently jubilant at the love that would come to grow before them.

 

* * *

 

 

There were tales, then, long thereafter, of Legolas, now of Valmar, steward of Yavanna, who lived in the halls of Aulë himself.

There were tales of Gimli, son of Gloin, hero of Endor, leaving the halls of his kin to tend to Yavanna's crop in ways no other dwarf had ever done in life or death.

There were tales of elf and dwarf, who loved as few other have loved in their lifetime--long after the dwarf's lifetime had ended.

There were tales of two figures at the foot of the steps, of two lying in the grass among Yavanna's trees, of feasting with visitors in the mansions, of telling tales of great ages in Arda and of the War of the Ring, and of a count of orcs and a contest amidst laughter, of tending to Yavanna's gardens, of standing together in the silence of love that speaks great volumes, of laboring over Aulë's forges over the long waiting seasons.

And soon, or much, much, later, there will be tales of the world being made anew, and of elf and dwarf reunited once more in their first true embrace in long millennia.

One day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> Aman - the proper name for Valinor, or the Undying Lands, also called the Blessed Realm
> 
> Endor - Middle Earth
> 
> Halls of Mandos - Halls of waiting. Kinda like a bus station, except Men go somewhere no one knows while elves wait until they can be made whole again. If they were good in life and wanna live again, they get resurrected quick. If they were dicks or are still too tired of life, they stay there. 
> 
> Eldar - elves
> 
> Calacirya - a little gap between this huge set of mountains that's like a fence to separate the shore from the Valar's place. This is where Tirion is. 
> 
> Tirion - castle on Tuna hill, ruled by Finarfin (google is your friend)
> 
> fëar/hröar - plural form of fëa/hröa, which means soul and body respectively (for elves specifically). Elves don't "die" per se, their bodies are immortal but their souls leave their bodies and pass into the Halls of Mandos until they are remade (which is why in the movies you see dead bodies of elves that still look perfect)
> 
> Valmar - also called Valimar, where the Valar live. It's not really hard to get there once you've passed Tirion, since the elves in Tirion are basically invited to Valar parties every so often and everyone kinda just packs it up and runs over there during feasting days. This is where Aulë/Mahal lives.
> 
> Eldamar - the settlement of elves at the shore on the other side of the mountains


End file.
